Over the last few years, there has been a stronger emphasis on functional programming languages and constructs in mainstream programming. But we are still far from programming nirvana. The real frontier is not the code we write, but the systems we build. Until we move towards "FP" thinking at a system level, we are just going to keep building similarly broken systems, albeit with a nicer GOTO syntax. The lifeblood of your system is data. The data that models the events, facts, and insights of your domain, and how they apply to your users. We have not yet mastered data modeling, and I would surmise that it is the root-cause of many project failures and costly refactors. This talk is an introduction to modeling business data in web applications. Together, we will explore how existing popular solutions model data, why they fail, and how we could do better with surprisingly little effort. The slides may include parentheses and square brackets, given my predilection for alien technologies, but the conclusions are broad and applicable to many.